Movie Reviews: El Arca

Today, I will be reviewing a hand-drawn animated movie from 2007 that comes from a Patagonian film company in Argentina. Yep, the movie is Noah's Ark, known in its original Spanish language as El Arca de Noe.

It's basically a take on the Noah's Ark story from the Bible (Book of Genesis, specifically). It doesn't just focus on Noah and his family, but mostly on the non-Human Animal passengers. It seems like a decent take on the tale of Noah's Ark, but the way they handle it here makes you feel like you've lost your sanity.

Here's the plot:


The movie begins on an extremely random note. In a generic jungle, a peafowl struts, a Snake hisses at the Peafowl, a falling Pineapple hits the peafowl on the head, the Snake laughs at this, up in the trees is a Human that had thrown that Pineapple down and now steps on a sleeping Sloth's face, back on the ground a Pineapple-like Mammal kisses the Pineapple, a Frog eats the Pineapple-like Mammal, the Pineapple-like Mammal stabs the Frog from the inside, the Frog spits out its catch and the Pineapple-like Mammal lands against a Baboon's butt, the Baboon yanks the Pineapple-like Mammal off its butt, the Baboon throws the Pineapple-like Mammal at the Peafowl, the Pineapple-like Mammal bounces off the peafowl and goes up into the trees, up in the trees the Human and the Sloth are wrestling, the Pineapple-like Mammal hits both of them, they all fall back to the ground where the Baboon is twisting up the Snake and the Frog, the Human is about to eat the peafowl, the Baboon growls at the Human, the Human and the Baboon fight and finally all of these critters (the Snake, the peafowl, the Frog, the Pineapple-like Mammal, the Baboon, the Sloth and the Human) are captured in a net by a second, advanced-looking Human.

............................................what..............was this point.........of that? Don't worry folks, if you have know idea what just happened in the opening scene, you haven't lost your sanity.

Anyways, after that, we see God and an angel walking through the market place of a town and God is displeased with what humanity is doing lately, with stealing, cheating, fighting and poached Animals. I guess no one can see them or is supposed to see them. God talks about a possible flood and the angel gets nervous about this for some reason. Also, I don't know why they are portraying God with a beer-belly.

We then see Noah, who is still riotous by heart (and they gave him glasses for some reason), doing business with a greedy couple. The husband is Farfan and the wife is Esther. By the way, Farfarn sounds a lot like Brian Doyle Murry, but he's not actually voicing him, sadly, it just sounds like him.

We are also introduced to Noah's three sons: Shem, Japheth and Ham. They do a lot of hard work and...WAIT A MINUTE!!! Why is Ham being portrayed as a Black Person here? I think I know the answer. According to the Bible, Ham (after the flood) moved down to Africa and supposedly started the Black race. So why is he Black here? All through the power of...racism!

Noah tells his sons not to complain about doing their chores, for no one else ever got hurt. He also explains how he feels at one with nature so much. Noah is indeed showing so wise and philosophical words.

We now cut to something to ruin Noah's words of wisdom....Noah's three annoying daughter in-laws who do nothing but complain about which husband of there's is the most capable of Noah's sons. I just feel like saying, "SHUT UP!!" Apparently they are also complaining that Noah had freed a slave. Noah's wife tells him that their daughter in-laws are unhappy.

Noah soon is drawn to a mysterious light within the nearby forest. It's a light shining down from the sky, sent from Heaven. Through this light, God tells Noah about the flood that will last for 40 days and that he must build an ark to house his family and pairs of each species in the world.

Noah tells his family about this, he cuts down a bunch of trees to make wooden boards for the ark and purchases from Farfan and Esther a whole bunch of male doves. He instructs the doves to deliver a whole bunch of letters to each species to tell them of the flood.

Unfortunately, the most of the doves have something else in mind as they go to some weird restaurant for small Animals like them......I actually don't like where this is going.

Back up in Heaven, God and that angel are getting plans to write the Bible itself. God compares how it should be like other books, such as Buddha's book.

Back down on Earth, at that bar for small Animals, there's a Chicken dancing on stage with a coconut bra on-WHAT THE HECK!? Why are there rabbits, Goldfish and Squirrels giving her catcalls? She even rips off the bra to show nothing underneath, but the audience reacts like they saw mammary glands.......but there were no such glands there. Besides, Birds don't have mammary glands.......so confused right now....especially since one member of the Chicken's audience happens to be a female Kiwi....what's this? A lesbian Bird of a different species? WHAT THE HECK AM I WATCHING?!

Anyway, we also see those doves sitting at a table in this very restaurant, making fun of the letters that they were supposed to send out. One dove, however, seems to have more sense than the rest of his gang and is worried about the approaching rainclouds and thunder (I guess he's the one who's going to carry the Olive Tree leaf). While he tries to urge the other doves to be mature about this, they just resort to farting and pooping for fun..........................laaaaaaame.

So that one good dove decides to do the message-delivering job on his own, but as he takes to the wing with all the letters in his mail-carrier bag, we get another random chaos scene: the dove goes to drink at a river, a Crocodile tries to eat the dove, the Crocodile bumps into a Hippopotamus, the dove is attacked by a Cheetah, the dove gets away, the dove crashes into an Elephant's rectum, the Elephant farts the dove out, the dove bumps into a pack of Hyenas, the Hyenas chase the dove, the dove escapes and finally crashes into a closing window of a cave-like house.

Again, what is the point of these chaotic random notes?

We are then introduced to a female Lion named Kairell, who the only non-Human character in this whole movie with some sort of decency. She gets one of the letters from the Dove and is immediately worried about this whole flood.

In that cave-like house, we see a big-chinned male Lion named Xiro who is getting a message from a very flamboyant male Orangutan named Bombay. Why feature some seemingly homosexual/metrosexual Ape in this movie?

After Bombay goes to get more stuff, Xiro finds one of the Dove's letters that had got in through that shut window just in time. By the way, Xiro's voice and personality sum up his character immediately, especially when he reads the note (which was accidentally torn in half). This torn note says, "...for 40 days. ...great opportunity. ...an ark where we shall all travel...with pairs of Animals to...learn to love each other...and multiply"

So yeah, he thinks this will be some cruise where he will get a lioness of his very own. Of course, that not what the note really says. Kyrell brings a complete copy of the note to Xiro's parents, who are king and queen of the Lions, and the king reads what the note actually says, "It will rain upon the Earth for 40 days. God will give us one last great opportunity. He asked me to build an ark where we shall all travel with my family together with pairs of Animals to accomplish the divine design. Learn to love each other, respect one another be just, practice solidarity and multiply. To fulfill the Lord's will, we will meet you in the Jacira Desert past the forest. Signed, Noah"

Xiro comes in to tell his parents that he wants to go on this "trip". Kyrell secretly is in love with him yet the queen tells her to choose one of Xiro's many girlfriends to be his partner on the ark.

So the next day, all the Animals from around the world have gathered into some really enormous cavern for a meeting about the ark, hosted by Xiro's dad, king of the Lions. Some of the Animals, don't really like this heat in this jungle environment where the cavern is located, such as the Polar Bears, they really don't like it. Back with Xiro, he's asking Bombay if he'll come. Let's hope not! Sadly, the flamboyant Orangutan IS coming, but he's bringing a mate, a huge female Orangutan named Lily.

Now back to the enormous cavern, the king is telling all the other Animals about this whole ark thing, but a Unicorn, a Dragon and a Sasquatch object to this, believing that this is a plot to hunt them all down since Humans have always been their natural enemy. If this is to explain how the legendary Creatures died out, I'm not very impressed.

We're also introduced to our main villain in the movie, a male Tiger named Dagnino. You can immediately tell he's the bad guy. How? Because he's got a deep commanding voice.

We then see Xiro complaining about how none of his choices for a mate qualify for this "trip". He then starts describing some of the select lionesses in a PG-13 way. We soon see him and his chosen mate, named Bruma, being escorted by all the other Animals in a tent thing and inside, we hear them kissing and moaning suggestively.......................WHAT THE?!?!?!? I thought this was a kids movie!!!

We then see that Noah is complete with building the ark and he has designed it a lot like a cruise ship, giving the non-Human bedrooms. It's as if he knew that these critters would be sentient.

A Pig starts complaining that the predators might eat him and the other prey Animals, Kyrell tries to tell Xiro of this conflict, only to find him having sex with that lioness he chose-WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MOVIE SHOWING SEX IN A BIBLE STORY TO KIDS!?

A Crocodile tries to eat the Pig but Dagnino stops it and tells him that this isn't the time for something like that.

By the way, you may be wondering why Kyrell is coming with Xiro and Bruma if there is only two of each species allowed on board. Well, she says that she is temporarily escorting Prince Xiro (or in the case of his parents dying, he's now king).

Noah then greets all the non-Humans and contacts God to officially send in the flooding rain. God had that angel pull a handle which makes the rain come down, but making a flushing toilet noise as well.

The Animals thunder on board, Noah looses his glasses in this stampede and a Mole gets to wear them, Bruma insults Kyrell for having a brain and Kyrell for some reasons follows everyone on board. As they go up, the platform to enter the ark, Bruma tells Kyrell that she's not supposed to be here by insulting her. A Sheep, a Parrot and a Donkey, meanwhile, are watching this and hate Bruma for what she's saying. This results in another extremely random chaotic moment, but one that makes a plot point this time: the Sheep steps on a Skunk's foot, the Sheep apologizes but for whatever reason laughs mischievously, the Skunk pees on the Sheep, the Sheep stumbles and bumps into the Yellow Canaries and the Ostriches, the Sheep also bumps into a Water Buffalo, the Water Buffalo whacks a Leopard into the air, the Leopard crashes into an Elephant's butt, the the Elephant trumpets at a monkey, the monkey grabs a Goat's face, the Goat runs around with the Monkey clinging on, the Goat accidentally bumps a Hippopotamus off the edge and the Hippopotamus lands on top of Bruma, sending her crashing down into the flooding water below, never to be heard from again and this male Hippo goes back in line with the female Hippo.

Xiro then decides that Kyrell should be his new mate since he and her are the last two Lions on Earth since the flood is already starting. Kyrell, for some reason, says that she has orders to return to the rest of the Lion kingdom to report back of Xiro. What is she talking about? Doesn't realize that there's nothing to go back to? Bad writers behind this movie folks, bad writers.

We suddenly go back to those two greedy Human merchants, that husband and wife: Farfan and Esther. Who let them back in the movie? They are in their house and are deciding that they should evacuate their home and sneak on board the ark. By the way, during this scene, the flood water has all vanished. What the heck?

Now we get the flood water back and we see Farfan and Esther rowing to the ark in a barrel on badly-done CGI water. Noah and his family, while steering the ark, see a great tsunami, but they manage to get over it unharmed. We then see that Unicorn, Sasquatch and Dragon from earlier, stuck on a small rock island that is slowly sinking. Once again, I must say, I'm not very impressed with this idea of how the legendary Creatures died out.

We then cut to Heaven, where God and the angel servant are watching the steering that the ship is doing through this storm. The angel then tells God that special effects just called, criticizing the rainy storm.................special effects? What, are they portraying God as some movie director?

We then see the Animals rush to their cabin rooms. We see the Elephants that can't fit in theirs, the Guinea Pigs are too small for theirs and we also see a female Deer who seems to be having an affair with a Donkey-WHAT THE HECK AM I WATCHING, WITH INTER-SPECIES LOVE!!??

Kyrell finds Xiro in his bedroom, which she addresses to him is really THEIR room. Kyrell also disciplines Xiro about doing more king-like duties than just looking handsome. Xiro then tells Kyrell that he will be back in a minute, he just wants to check out the rest of the ark.

We now see a bar that that the Animals have here on the ark. Did Noah really think they'd need one? We see in this bar the male Parrot doing Human jokes for everyone else. We then get the most disturbing imagery in the whole movie........we get a musical number on this bar's stage featuring the one who will be displaying this disturbing imagery that I mentioned before......a black panther of some sort (I have no clue whether she's supposed to be a Leopard, a Puma or a Jaguar) named....*sigh*.....Panty. She is very anthropomorphic-looking and has fur-covered boobs and she sings a predatory version of "I Will Survive"................WHAT THE HECK AM I WATCHING WITH THIS.....THIS.......DAAAAHHHH!!!!! If you excuse me, I need to get myself some water, to keep my head on straight after watching this rancid movie up to this point.........okay, back to the review.

We then see Dagnino with his gang (a Crocodile, a Wolf, a Vulture, a Puma and even that black panther Panty), and he reveals his evil plan. He tells his gang that when they reach dry land, they will take all the prey Animals as slaves and fatten them up for eating. Yet, in his fantasy, he does not imagine different kinds of prey items, he imagines a whole bunch of Pigs. Also, he wants to do this just because he's tired of running after his food? But predators have to run after their food, it's nature's way.

Meanwhile, with Farfan and Esther, they come into one of the ark's rooms that is full of Snakes and they quickly escape out of it.

Back at the bar, Dagnino and his gang have gotten Xiro drunk with alcohol.........................WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG IS WRONG WITH THIS MOVIE!? Sex! Boobs! Booze! What kind of flic is this?

Kyrell then shows up to rant some more and brings Xiro back to their room and shows him that the letter he saw earlier in the film was only torn in half and she shows him a full copy of the note. She also reminds him that he's the only survivor of his lineage and that they need to make do with it in the right way.

Back with Farfan and Esther, they are now in disguises that make them look like Kangaroos with Sheep heads so they can blend in with the ark's non-Human passengers. They then run into Dagnino and gang, plotting to frame Xiro for killing another passenger. They ask the two disguised Humans what the heck they are, and the two make up a species name for themselves, "Grasswhoppers"...................Grasswhoppers? Really? What kind of name is that? It sounds like a slang for a really big Grasshopper.

Back with Noah and family, one of Noah's daughter in-laws is sick of eating Fish and seaweed so she decides to kill one of the Ducks to eat it, but Noah stops her in time and saves the Duck's life. He tells that God will indeed provide them all that they need and they are not going to eat any of their passengers. Back up in Heaven, God and that angel like what they have said and think of adding it to the Bible, still being worked on.

Back with Xiro and Kyrell, they are interviewing other Animals to get ideas for laws that Xiro can permit since he's the destined king. The male Zebra suggests to reduce the prison terms for all prisoners, the male Kangaroo suggests that all forms of currency should be respected, the female Slug suggests that credits for small enterprises should become indispensable and the male Gopher suggests that the use of drugs should be regulated to be used responsibly. This was a rather pointless and boring scene.

Anyways, Noah's sons and their wives complain some more, a lot of the Animals get seasick, Farfan and Esther do more antics and Xiro is starting to become a lazy and irresponsible king. All of a sudden, he's seduced by Panty! You know, I just realized something, who is Panty's partner anway? I mean we've seen Dagnino's partner (who's a Tiger just like him), but we've never seen the male Leopard, Puma or Jaguar who is supposed to be Panty's mate. Is he that Puma we've seen in Dagnino's gang? If so, then why is she hitting on a Lion? WHY!!

Anyways, Kyrell snaps at Xiro, more antics with Farfan and Esther happen, Noah finds the two stowaways and he accidentally falls down into a deep cellar within the ark. Noah's family thinks he's dead but he's not, Farfan and Esther knock him unconscious, Dagnino rips away Farfan and Esther's disguises and gets ready to make it look like Xiro killed something on board.

Back up in Heaven, God tells the angel that the content in the Bible must be suitable for all ages. WOAH! NO! YOU CANNOT TALK ABOUT AGE SUITABILITY IN A MOVIE WITH SEX, ALCOHOL AND WOMAN BREASTS!!!!!!

Anyways, Dagnino and gang cover the ripped costumes in Tomato juice to look like blood, frame Xiro for it in front of all the other Animals and they throw and lock the poor Lion into a new room. Yet, a Panda and the Mole with Noah's glasses on find out that that was not really blood and go see Bombay about it.

Back with Noah's family, they pray to God for guidance. And God here brings up something that's pretty much true about us mortals: when we're in trouble we remember he exists.

Back with Xiro, he hears Noah in the other room, talking to that good Dove to go out and find any evidence of land, but while he tells him wise words about this, Xiro believes that it is God talking to him and decides to finally do what he's supposed to do, be a responsible king.

Back with Kyrell, she finds from Bombay, the Mole and the Panda that that murder was only a set up with Tomato juice instead of blood.

Dagnino now believes he can be king with Xiro out of the way and he and his gang go to attack all the other prey Animals. Just as they are about to succeed in their diabolical plan; Xiro, Kyrell, Bombay, the Panda, the Pig and the Mole show up and start doing something that I don't know how to describe or what the purpose of it is. The following is not in your heads and there is no context, it just happens: They are doing some hokey-pokey-ish dance while chanting some sort of gibberish that does not sound like any Spanish (since this is an Argentinean film) I ever heard. I don't get it, what is this? What's the point? What's the purpose?

So anyways, we then get the battle between the good Animals and the bad Animals, Xiro defeats Dagnino, Noah's gets free out of that deep cellar and the ark ends up crashing into the Arctic.

Xiro announces to all the non-Humans that they are not going to give up like this and they are not going to eat each other, they all have to learn to get along and be in this journey together. FINALLY!! He's starting to act more mature! They use some fire to melt the specific ice that is keeping the ark from moving, the Polar bears decide to stay here along with other Arctic Animals, Farfan and Esther get left behind in the Arctic (and attacked by Polar Bears) as the ark sets sail southwards and now things look good.

That good Dove is arriving back to the ark with Oliver Tree leaf in his beak and we see every other non-Human on the ark now having a big party.


So that's the film. All I have to say is.....what the heck did we just see? It seemed like at first decent take on Noah's Ark with its non-Human cast and animation like that of The Emperor's New Groove, but it results in something with bland humor, lots of offensive things and disturbing imagery. I don't know whether they could decide whether they were making a movie for kids or a movie for adults. Surely no normal person could come up with this.

It had to be the work of three people with three different personalities: someone with an unsettling obsession with anthropomorphic non-Humans, someone who makes bad Bible story adaptations and last but not least a troublesome atheist.

You thoughts?